Regret is a strange thing. It doesn't scream or break you all at once. It simply sits beside you on graduation day, at the exact spot where he was supposed to be.
"Nice haircut," he said. "Did you lose a bet or something?" My friends laughed it off as we walked past. Ray really was weird. What was weirder was his hair; it was gross. I couldn't believe someone would ask for a haircut like that, even for five dollars. "Mom, I'm home!" I muttered, but no one replied as usual. I lived with my mom, at least on paper. The house was empty most of the time, just like the pots on the stove. She was a flight attendant and she loved it. She travelled the world, visited exotic places and met new people, but sometimes I wished she sat beside me in our dining room and giggled while I told her about my day. I didn't want to sound selfish as I knew that my mom was finally happy for four years after we lost Ted, my father. He passed away from terminal cancer and that broke her completely. She couldn't get out of her room for months. The world stopped spinning for her. It did for me, too. I just wasn't supposed to show it that much. Boys don't cry after all. That was the reason I didn't like to complain about her being away all the time. She finally found herself again and who was I to take that away from her? I was doing fine as far as anyone could tell.
I didn't overthink it. Watching my own story from the outside simply felt more right.
The next morning Marcus went to school as usual, but something was not in the right place. Ray wasn't at the lunch table, which meant there was no one to mock. Marcus had to admit he felt a little curious. Ray had never missed a day of school before. Still, he didn't think much of it. Almost a month passed but Ray wasn't there, weird. Marcus decided to find out what that egghead was up to. "Hey, Beth! What's up with that weird dude? He hasn't shown up to school for a while. I've got no one else to tease." Beth looked uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact. "You don't know?" she asked. "Don't know what?" Marcus asked, suddenly nervous. "Marcus, he's in the hospital. His cancer got worse."
Cancer.
Marcus felt sick. His vision blurred and he could barely stand. Beth walked away with disgust on her face but she wasn't the only one who felt it. "I'm disgusting." Marcus mumbled as he ran to the toilet and threw up. Visions of his father flooded his mind. Every single strand of hair Ted had lost crumbled through his head. Marcus tried to run away from it, but this time he couldn't. He cried. He cried as he had never done before. Not because of his father. Because of Ray. Piece by piece, every cruel word he told him hit him back. It hurt. It hurt so much.
The next day, Marcus woke up earlier than usual. He sat at the table and started writing. Was he used to writing? No, but this wasn't for him - it was for Ray. He spent all night trying to find out which hospital Ray was in. Writing a letter felt like he could make things a bit better. This time he decided to take responsibility. He was tired of running away from everything. When Marcus entered the hospital, reality hit him. He was too ashamed to face Ray. "God, I feel so awful." he thought. He gave the letter to a nearby nurse and when she asked for his name, he told her he would like to remain anonymous even though he knew Ray would know who it was from. The paper was a bit damp from his sweaty hands that were shaking as he passed it over to the nurse. He could tell the nurse didn't think highly of him, but that didn't surprise him. After all, there was nothing nice about him. He felt nervous about the thought of Ray reading his apology. He had every right to hate him. Marcus didn't want to be seen as a monster. Was he a monster?
It was past 8 pm when Ray's therapy ended. That's when Marcus's letter was placed on his table. "It's for you." the nurse said. Ray looked confused. He had no friends, no relatives who would write to him. Alone in his room, he opened the letter.
"Hey Ray! I know you probably hate me with your whole heart. Trust me, I understand why. No apology will ever fix what I did, so I won't pretend it can. What I want you to know is that it was never about you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not strange or broken. I was the problem. You don't have to accept my apology. I just needed you to know that you are not who I made you out to be."
A month later.
"Oops, sorry!" Marcus said as he reached for the same book as the boy beside him. He looked up, "Ray?" he whispered, his voice heavy with shame. "Uhh, yeah. Hi, Marcus." Ray replied with a shaky voice. Marcus, filled with embarrassment, just wanted to disappear. He turned to leave before he could even think.
"Marcus," Ray pulled him by the sleeve of his sweater. "I'm not upset with you, don't be scared."
Relief washed over him. His heart softened. He felt free for the first time in months. As Ray was about to leave, Marcus finally apologised. Yes, he wrote a letter to him, but saying it out loud, face to face, was a different story. They talked about the book they both wanted, which surprisingly brought them closer. Drawn together by mutual interest, the choice of becoming friends was obvious. As shocking as it was, they became good friends. Ray made his first friend ever and Marcus felt extremely glad that the two of them got closer.
As their bond grew stronger, Marcus's guilt faded piece by piece. Ray had forgiven him long ago. Eventually, Marcus forgave himself.
Soon, spring arrived. The weather became warmer, the streets felt more welcoming and Marcus's feelings grew a bit stronger. It was the time of year when flowers bloom, rivers flow and birds sing gorgeously in the sky. Everyone felt somehow different, everyone was preparing. So was Marcus. Everything seemed so perfect as if the world itself was smiling.
Graduation day arrived. The big day everyone was waiting for. So did Marcus, although graduation wasn't his focus. The evening before, Marcus stood in front of the mirror rehearsing the words in his head. Each sentence sounded perfect in thought, fragile in reality. Except he was finally brave enough to say them.
Suddenly, his phone screen lit up with a text.
"I'm sorry."
Sent by Ray's mom.
A feeling of confusion ran through Marcus's body not knowing what this was about. He quickly replied, "What do you mean? Did something happen?"
"Marcus. He's gone."
The phone slipped from his hand. Guilt crawled all around his body once again. Tears streamed down his face as he fell on the floor. "Nooo...nooo..." Marcus screamed alone and cold. He reached up for his phone. "Ray, please. Please, answer me."
It was the first time in four months that Marcus's mom came home for his graduation. He went for her. And for Ray. While he was approaching his seat, he noticed a white envelope. It was a letter.
His hands trembled as he opened it.
"Dear Marcus, writing letters was never my thing, but it felt right. Our friendship started with one, after all. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you in person. There was no holiday. My cancer came back a few months ago, so I had to go abroad for treatment. It didn't help, but I tried - for you. But you know that sometimes love isn't enough. Thank you for showing me how to live even if it was for a little while. We will meet again. We will graduate together. In another life."