Parental figures. A mother. A father. The guiding heroes of our lives. The ones who shape our future and teach us the rights and wrongs of the world. Many people carry the misfortune of growing up without a parental figure, whether lost to death, fractured by neglect, or broken beneath the weight of abuse. Some are raised in houses that never felt like homes, where love was absent.
Life moves without warning. It is unpredictable and unkind at times, and there are circumstances we are powerless to change. If God really exists and watches over us all, there are prayers he has silently turned a blind eye to, and the cries of those in need that have gone unanswered.
I am this person. I have lost every ounce of faith I have had in me.
I lost my parents early in life. I was only a little girl, yet watched my mother`s soft gaze as she was saying everything would be fine. I witnessed my father`s reassuring smile, despite his injuries, knowing the sacrifice he made was meant to protect me.
I was screaming, crying, praying for the Lord`s help, shouting for mercy. All I got were my mother`s soft hands slowly falling from my face, the pool of blood forming beneath me.
Whoever targeted my parents didn`t care about me at all. Not to kill me, not to take me, not to even acknowledge me. All I really wanted at that time was to lie next to to my mother and father in my own pool of blood and see them again in Heaven. There we would be safe forever.
However, the only thing I heard was my screams that slowly turned into silent cries, that turned into complete silence. The hands that had clutched my mother`s arms, hoping to feel even the slightest movement, slowly fell to my sides. By now, I was only staring with dull eyes. Tears started to dry on my face as I sat there, frozen on the floor for hours before I finally fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up to a woman who I soon found out was a police officer. She had a pitiful look on her face while shaking me awake. When I looked around, I saw a few more policemen—who I assumed were her colleagues—investigating my parents` bodies.
I didn`t want them touching my beloved parents. I was angry. I wanted to attack, to defend, the same way they had always defended me. I had no trust in anyone, and all I saw was them wanting to take me away from my parents. No amount of crying worked, no amount of screaming heard, as if I did not exist at that moment.
Eventually, I gave up fighting.
The police took me in—first for a medical check-up. After that, I spoke to several detectives and policemen as the witness to my parents` murder—a case I still don`t even know has ever been solved. Then I was sent to an orphanage.
And now, eleven years later, I am still here.
My name is Lilith Gardner. I am 17 years old, turning 18 in less than a month. If my luck does not change—though judging by how I`m still stuck here after all these years, it won`t— I am going to get kicked out. They have the right to do so because I will be an adult.
This abusive orphanage—jail as many prefer to call it—is not a safe, or a healthy environment. Kids are left to starve, punishments are routine. There is poor health care, and constant abuse from the monsters who consider themselves teachers. Many kids walked in here without a spark, only to keep losing it. We have no sense of identity, no sense of difference.
Every ounce of faith I had is gone. If my cries have never been heard, why should I believe there is a higher being that can hear them?
I do not know who I am. I do not know who I was or who I will be. This place makes you lose your mind. They say it is "demons possessing me." What I call it is adults torturing children and young adults to insanity, them calling it the devil`s doing.
What they fail to understand is that merciless devils are all around us—humans who find joy in someone else`s pain, then cope with it using their own beliefs instead of facts. The adults here are the devils of earth.
They ruled not with open hands, but with words as sharp as knives. Behind locked smiles and orderly halls, they taught fear as if it were discipline, and silence as if it were virtue. Praise was rare and conditional. Punishment was an everyday occurence.
Whenever someone first gets here, the teachers treat them like royalty, like they`re speacial compared to everyone else. Basic child manipulation and grooming. When you`re a child who has just lost their parents, you fall into their carefully crafted lies. Family is what we crave as humans. When you come here, they give you false hope of finding one.
I was also one of those who believed their reassuring words. When their affection faded away, I knew I would never find family again. Not even in the outside world.
Chapter 1
A Day Before Lilith`s Birthday
Here it is. My last day of being 17. My last day as a minor, and the last day in this hellhole.
I`m afraid. I don`t know what comes next or what awaits me. Having been stuck in here for the past eleven years, I don`t know how to socialize with people anymore. You`d think being with other kids here, we would feel some sense of safety, at least enough to keep us sane to a degree. But no, even this was taken from us.
They reduced our interactions to almost nothing. Barely anyone here has any social skills. Fortunately for me, my only chance to become someone, or achieve something after leaving this place lies in my social skills.
Sarcasm, if you can`t tell.
My emotions are a mess today. The longing for the day to end. For me to step out of this building and hopefully build a future. The fear of what that future has planned for me.
Are these my last days? Will I find a way to survive? How are people going to view me? What awaits me outside?
These questions will be answered before I even know it.
Chapter 2
My Eighteeth Birthday
Happy 18th birthday to me! I wish the enthusiasm was real.
They allowed me one final breakfast before kicking me out. How generous of them! Like every Monday morning, we`re getting a toasted sandwich with a fruit of your choice. Soon I`m headed to the dining area, and after that I`ll be feeling the freshness of the outside air.
Even in the orphanage backyard, the air is thick and suffocating. Just the pure tension in the halls, dorms, and other rooms is enough for anyone to tell this place isn`t a safe space for anyone.
I slowly walked downstairs. We did the usual hopeless prayer and gave thanks for the bland food. Every minute felt like hours. I had gotten used to the silence, but now that there was something I was waiting for, time had suddenly stopped.
Thanks, universe, for always being on my side.
Breakfast was finally over. I went to the shared dorms to change and pick up the last of my belongings before getting out of here. I waved goodbye to some of the kids, and even hugged a few younger ones. Celeste and Luca seemed somewhat fond of me. Usually, the people around my age were the ones comforting the kids. I never really had close connections with any of them, though. I`ve always felt as if the kids were afraid of me.
I went up to the headmaster who walked me out of the orphanage. He wished me luck for a better future as if they weren`t the ones kicking me out the second I turned 18.
I stepped outside, turned back toward the building, and hoped I would never run into any monster who worked there.
It was mid-spring of 2010, and the sun was shining brightly. It felt comforting on my pale skin and maybe, if I closed my eyes, I could imagine being surrounded by people I consider family—just for a moment.
I wasn`t really one to live in fantasies, though. I`ve learnt that the reality would only hit me harder.
For now, I knew that I needed to find a place with a lot of people in hope of getting some money. I wasn`t hungry yet—I had just eaten—but sooner or later hunger would return. I wanted to be ready when it did.
I didn`t have any way to tell the time, but breakfast in the orphanage was always at 7 a.m., so I guessed it was about half past 9.
I`d found a place that seemed like a town center, but there were only a few people here and there. I still hadn`t tried talking to anyone. Every time someone walked past, I would open my mouth to say something, make a weird movement, get a weird look at and then blankly stare as I think of my life choices.
Chapter 3
Hunger
A few days have passed since I got out. Some people gave me money, but it only got me little to no food. I`ve learnt that begging doesn`t work either, since most people just walk past me. I have to try pick-pocketing instead.
I`ve been thinking of ways to do it for a while now.
Do I go for someone younger or try to find an elderly person that I could outrun?
The outrunning part is pretty unlikely if I`m honest with myself. We never trained our motor skills that much, and I`m not confident in my stamina either.
While being lost in my thoughts, I saw a couple in what I assume were their forties walk past me. They were holding hands, and the man seemed to be teasing his wife about something in a playful way. They gave me a sense of warmth.
My mind went numb.
With no plan whatsoever, I spotted a wallet in the man`s back pocket, and my body started moving on its own.
As I walked towards them, I was thinking of a scenario in which I would seem like the wallet had fallen out of his pocket and I would give it back to him after stealing some money.
I took action and somehow successfully grabbed the wallet. I stole a 50-euro note which was the first one I saw, waited for the couple to walk away a bit so I could call them over.
"Hey, sir!" I screamed, and both the man and the woman turned around in sync. I ran up to them.
"E—excuse me, sir, this wallet was on the floor as you walked past, is it yours?" I asked, the sweat forming on my forehead.
"Oh, Gosh, thank you, young lady! You know, I always tell my husband, "Do not put the wallet in the back pockets. Either someone will steal it or it will get lost somehow. He never listens to me."
"Ah, haha—well maybe this will be a lesson. Here you go, sir."
Panic. Panic. Panic.
The moment I reached out to hand him the wallet, I realized I was in trouble. The money I had previously taken was still in the same hand as the wallet. I cursed everyone and everything for making me as socially awkward as I was, hoping not to visibly panic.
I made the act of "dropping the wallet."
"I am so sorry sir, ma`am. Ill..."
"Rodrick, dear? Was your wallet open?
"Huh?" said the man, and so did I. In my head, of course.
"There is a 50-euro note on the floor. I assume it fell out."
What?! My eyes widened as I realised I had dropped the money with the wallet.
Can this day be ANY worse?! Oh God, oh God, oh God. How does one even get out of this situation?!
"Oh, you`re right, Christine. Sweetheart, could you please pick that up, too?" there was the reply.
"O—of course, sir!"
Maybe I have a chance to open the wallet myself. It won`t look realistic, but I`m left with no other options. As I swiftly opened the wallet, I put the money back in, closed it, then reached out again and actually handed him the wallet. No money for me, yet I managed to embarrass myself for five people.
"Thank you, really, " the gentleman said." I have important documents in there, and losing it would be a serious inconvenience. Tell us, can we repay you in any way?"
"Oh, no really, that won`t be neces—"
Growling. Like an angry dog. So loud. Can lightning strike me on this sunny day?
"Oh... well, that checks out. You seem hungry, dear." The lady who I learned was called Christine, turned towards me.
"W—well, I slightly am, but seriously, this is really too much. I don`t need anything at all, really." The more I spoke, the more awkward I felt.
"Nonsense!" the man continued. "It`s the least we can do. Do you have any food preferences?"
Chapter 4
A Meal
As we were walking to the restaurant, we introduced ourselves, and made some small talk. We reached our destination, sat down and continued with the conversation.
"What would you like to eat, Lilith?"
"Do you have any favourites?" the lady asked.
"Actually, to be honest with you, I am an orphan. We never really had fancy food options in my orphanage... so, I don`t...know?"
Great, Lilith. Make them pity you. Talking about a traumatizing past is the best way to start a conversation.
"I am so sorry, dear. We never really got your age. Did you ever get taken in by a family?" Both had worried expressions on their faces, but Christine was doing all the talking.
"Uhm, I just turned 18 a few days ago, actually. I got kicked ot immediately after. I have no family."
"Oh my God. No 18-year-old should be kicked out on the streets like this. That is terrifying!" said Rodrick.
"Especially as a woman. Can they legally do that?" Christine finished.
"Yes, legally I am an adult and responsible for my well-being."
They were about to ask more questions, but the waitress walked up to our table and took our orders.
My savior.
"I am sorry if some of these questions are ignorant or invasive, stop me at any moment, but how have you been living these past few days, if I may inquire?" Christine spoke softly.
"Honestly, ma`am, all these questions are valid, but thank you for asking. It`s been pretty hard, to be truthful. I had to beg for money and barely got any—just enough to fill my stomach so I wouldn`t starve, I guess. Other than that... I`ve been sleeping on the streets."
Oh, God, I can`t believe how pathetic I sound.
There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment. Christine put her hand on mine, and the couple shared a look. Then Rodrick started talking.
"Excuse me, young lady, would it be okay if we had a conversation with my wife in private? If the waitress comes back, could you please order what we discussed earlier?"
Chapter 5
The Offer
"Yes, of course. Go ahead, I`ll be waiting." Honestly, of everything he said, the ordering part was the scariest. I just sat there and prayed the waitress wouldn`t walk up before they did.
As nothing ever goes the way I hope, the waitress came up with drinks before the nice pair came back. She placed our drinks down, looking kind of confused because I was alone. The food was ordered, and soon after, Christine and Rodrick sat down as well.
"Dear, Rodrick and I spoke about something, and we are both pretty confident in our decision."
What is going on? Have they figured out my attempt at theft earlier? Was all this a set-up to catch me?
"We think it`ll be best for you to come home with us. We can provide you a place to sleep and anything else you need until you are on your feet. Take as long as it takes, we seriously don`t care," Rodrick said.
"I—"
"No. Please don`t hesitate. You are a young adult, practically still a child. It is not safe out there for you. All kinds of people could be roaming the streets. You might starve, get sick. We are not letting that happen. Please let us do this for you."
I could only stare in disbelief. I felt tears form in my eyes, the first happy tears ever since I was six. The couple immediately got up with worried expressions, but for the first time in years, I was happy. My whole body was shaking. I stood up and tightly hugged them both. I didn`t care about anything—about making a scene in the restaurant, about how embarrassing it was hugging people I`d just met. How recklessly I was telling strangers my life story—it didn`t matter. At this point, I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn`t stop thanking them over and over. Christine seemed to have gotten emotional as well.
All the hope I had lost over the years was slowly brought back up. I`d learnt in life not to expect the best, but I felt comfortable, safe even. Maybe Christine and Rodrick would be the family I`d been craving for years.
Maybe they were the light at the end of my dark tunnel... and the road that finally led somewhere.