Hi, there. What you`re about to read can only be described as the most ridiculous adventure in the history of dumb adventures. The events you`re about to gaze upon are so insane they will make you think the current global situation is perfectly sane in comparison. Okay, not that insane—but that doesn`t matter right now. So, without further ado, let`s get the show on the road already, `kay?
CHAPTER 1
I lived in the royal capital. The name? Chelonia. It was big and full of various people, elves, goblins, trolls and other creatures alike (yeah, this is a fantasy world). And what better day to have a stroll through the seat of power than on the joyful day the royal family was visiting?
Now, the royal household had always been an interesting bunch. They were actually pretty loved by the people. Their rule was fair and just. Our king—King Whatshisname(that`s his actual name)—had always prioritized the people above anything else in his rule. No wonder he had always been so loved.
With me was my good friend Ozzy. Now, good old Ozzy here was always a bit better than me in a lot of regards: more handsome, had more money, and was better with women. We met at a bar and exchanged countless yo mama jokes. From that day forward we just kind of started hanging out and never stopped.
I call him Ozzy because, well, "Oswald" is what intelligent people are called—and that is something that guy was definitely not.
Getting back on track: as we were walking, we saw the royal family driving down the road in their spectacular carriage. I caught a glimpse of her, Princess Steak (named after the king`s favourite food). She had been praised throughout her entire life for great looks and amazing... "personality."
In that brief instant, we locked eyes. What followed was her giving me the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. It looked like the exact same smile you make after achieving something glorious in life, or after you eat like, a REALLY good chimichanga.
But, it got even better!
After that, she... blew me a kiss!
It felt as though I had eaten a hundred chimichangas, but then... a freaking huge beast came along and latched onto the princess`s carriage, trying to take her away!
I bravely shouted at the creature, "Let her go, you beast! I will not allow some random dragon to come and take the beauty of the royal family!"
The beast spoke back.
"Foul human, I am no dragon! I am what your kind call a wyvern. To separate two different beasts and not know how to differentiate the two is a marvelous display of the foolishness of mankind!"
"Very well, then! Foul "wyvern!" What is thy name?! Better yet, what do you stem to gain from taking our beautiful princess?!"
"Foolish man! By capturing the princess I simply get the satisfaction of possessing something—or, in this case, someone—who is important to your people so that I may keep my status as the most feared wyvern in the lands! For, I am the wyvern you know as... Steve! Anyway, later, dork!"
By the gods, it was Steve!
And he just flew off with Princess Steak!
I felt a surge of bravery flow through me, I was about to go and save her but then Ozzy suddenly spoke up.
"No."
"No what?"
"Do not, under any circumstances, try to rescue the princess."
"Ah, come on, Ozzy, this place is boring anyway."
"You. Will. Get. Yourself. Killed."
"Alright, fine, but uhh—HOLY MACKEREL, WHAT IS THAT?"
"What are you on about" There`s nothing there—DAMN IT!"
Just like that, I took off while Ozzy was distracted by literally the oldest trick in the book. I didn`t even go to get any belongings, I just immediately set off without stopping.
CHAPTER 2
The journey had begun, and like the start of every adventure, the first obstacle I came across was a forest. It was... well, pretty underwhelming, to be honest. I cleared it with almost no issues—until the very end, of course.
Right at the edge of the trees, I had my first real interaction with another person on this adventure. Naturally, it was with a complete oddball.
I stumbled upon a wooden bridge—the only way to progress further. It, of course, had a guardian—a huge cyclops with a humongous club and a mean horn.
And the best part?
I lied.
The "guardian" was some scrawny-looking feller wearing a really weird chicken mask. He was also mumbling to himself.
Unfortunately, I made the grave mistake of trying to talk to the guy.
"Excuse me, sir, are you the guardian of this fine bridge?"
The guy stopped mumbling to himself and snapped his gaze towards me. It was so sudden it actually startled it.
"You, there! You dare to cross the bridge?! The bridge of the chicken guy?!"
"Well, yeah... I just wanted to see if I could—"
"Stupid! Do you know who I am? I am THE chicken guy! Slayer of thousands! I make and guard bridges! Challenge me if you dare!"
Now I was 100% certain that this guy was off his rocker. Either that or he`d genuinely just made a really bad career choice. Yet, I still continued to converse with him.
"Look, buddy, that`s a great story and all, but what will it take for you to let me cross this bridge?"
"Hmm... if you answer my three questions, I will allow you to pass! Do you accept my condition?!"
"Yeah, sure, that`s easy enough. Hit me."
Okey! First question! Will I ever get a girlfriend?"
"Wha— I mean... Yeaaah, of cooourse, buddy! You`re a chick magnet!"
I knew the day this guy got a girlfriend would be the day pigs started flying, but I`d feel bad if I broke that poor dude`s feelings.
"Correct! Next question! Cats or dogs?"
"Both," I answered boldly.
"Also correct! Final question! What is your favorite color?"
Dammit, he got me! I severely underestimated his intelligence. I never expected him to ask for my favorite color of all things!
I got a headache from just trying to think of the correct answer, man! But then I thought of the delightful princess, and about how if I failed now, I would never be able to see that gorgeous smile again.
So I took the gamble and answered.
"Y— yellow?"
"..."
"Correct! Wow, you are very smart, man! You may proceed! Good day!"
To my delight, I answered correctly. That was too close for comfort. But after almost stinking up my britches, I moved on and proceeded with my adventure.
CHAPTER 3
After crossing the bridge, guess what came next?
That`s right, more damn forest.
But after hours of walking through the forest—and even crossing a mountain—all I wanted at this point was somewhere to rest.
As I was bushwhacking, I suddenly stopped as soon as I heard... a really bad singing in the distance.
As I closed in on the voice, it turned out to be a small goblin, sitting near a campfire. I greeted the little guy and began a conversation.
"Hi, there. Mind if I rest here a little? I would really appreciate it."
"Yes, yes, of course! I came here looking for treasure, however, it`s been lonely so it`s my pleasure!"
"Well, good luck with that. As for me, I`m on a journey to rescue the king`s daughter, Princess Steak, from the wyvern named Steve."
"Ah, so another adventurer looking for pointless glory? Well, would you mind if I told you a story?"
"Sure, little guy, go right ahead."
"Well, this story is about a bet. It was to ask out this woman I`d met.
I was nervous and I even pleaded, but in the end my attempt succeeded.
We were together for about a year, but after that our relationship began to veer.
The flame that we were already struggling to kindle had slowly started to dwindle.
In the end, I was left in the gutter as she fell in love with another..."
Feeling bad for the guy, I tried to comfort him a little.
"Damn, man, it must`ve been hard on you. But don`t be sad, there`s plenty of fish in the sea, you know?"
What followed was a response I didn`t expect in the slightest.
"Oh, do not fret, for I am not upset!
I have already found another lover!"
"That`s great, little guy."
"And that woman is, who else, but you mother!"
The events that followed are not suitable for any audience, let alone children. Let`s just say that the Tooth Fairy will be visiting him.
I "humbly thanked" the goblin for his "inspiring" story and moved on with my life.
CHAPTER 4
Soon after crossing more dangerous terrain, I came across a small village named Wafertall (apparently the guy who named the place was a bit dyslexic). I decided to check the place out and rest a little.
The village was real pretty. I even found the waterfall the village was named after close by. During my visit, I noticed that it was strangely quiet and the streets were pretty empty—except for a few people treading with a fearful look on their faces.
I asked one of the villagers what was going on, and he told me about the terrifying rock troll that lived in the cave behind the waterfall. There`s a story that one day, some people went into the cave to explore it. However, the only thing that came out was the rock troll charging towards the village to try and slay the rest of the town.
But everyone had hidden, so troll went around rocking—I mean, knocking—on people`s doors, supposedly looking for more poor souls to rock their world.
Feeling heroic, I decided to go and confront the beast in order to bring peace to these people. After all, it would be a shame if a nice little town got completely rocked.
So, I gathered my courage and jumped into the waterfall.
I kept valiantly moving forward until I got into the spooky cave. Of course, I`d jumped through the waterfall without taking my garments off, leaving me completely soaked. I reflected on my stupidity for a second before stopping to gaze upon my drenched self.
"Wow, check me out! I should get soaked more often!"
Trekking through the cave, I finally came across... the nasty rock troll that had been rocking everyone`s world.
"So, you`re the big guy I`ve heard about. What`s your deal anyway? Why are you trying to rock these people`s world?"
"Is man referring to Rok? Rok make no deals. Rok just trying to live in peace."
"Well, then, Rocky Balboulder, why did you slay those three people that tried to explore this place?"
"Mans were scared of Rok. Rok try to talk but mans whammed away, so Rok wham back!"
"So, you were just defending yourself? Why come out and try to attack the village then?"
"No! Rok try to find other mans to tell mans to leave Rok alone. But when Rok came to village, Rok found no mans!"
"Well, I guess you have a rock solid case then. I`ll tell them to leave you alone. But if you attack humans again, I`ll come back and tear you rock from rock, got it?"
"No, man use too many words. Hurt Rok head."
"Alright. Let me try again, then. Ahem. Ahem. Wham a wham mans again, and I`ll swish a swash a swunk you.
"Oh... Okay...Rok no wham anymore then, no need for swish a swash."
I returned to the village and explained that the rock troll had only been defending himself, and that his visit had been completely misunderstood. They were, of course, still a bit skeptical—but for the most part, life in the village went back to normal.
I stayed at the town inn for the night. I dreamed about the princess, and how, after all this was over, I would be able to see her alluring smile again—the elegant smile that always reminded me of a really good chimichanga whenever I saw it... well, dang, now I`m hungry.
Once I woke up, I grabbed a bite to eat and got back to my adventure.
CHAPTER 5
A few days had passed, and I finally arrived.
The castle of... Steve...
I was nervous about the challenges and horrors that awaited me there, but then I remembered the princess`s smile. That gave me all the motivation I needed. I`d come too far to give up now, so I stepped inside, prepared for anything.
The castle was... mostly devoid of, well, pretty much anything. You`d think the most feared wyvern in the land would have at least some friends, right? I almost felt bad for the guy.
Regardless, I moved forward without interruption until I reached the courtyard.
As I made my way across, I heard a loud roar before something landed right in front of me.
It was none other... than Steve...
"I... am Steve!" he said.
"Steve! I will put a stop to your mischievous ways!"
"Nuh, uh, I`m gonna beat you up."
"Is violence the only way, Steve? What caused you to be such a devilish wyvern? Why be feared?!"
"You see, human. As a whelp, I yearned for the mines... But I was denied of my dream! I then decided to make sure everyone feared me! So that NOBODY COULD EVER DENY ME AGAIN!"
"But, Steve! There are better ways to achieve your dreams! And you`ve somehow managed to pick the worst possible one. Like... it`s impressive that THAT was your first solution."
"Well... it`s worked so far, hasn`t it?"
"Huh... fair point..."
"Foolish human! Why be nice when I can be evil?! Why pay for something I can just take?! Why date someone when you can just snatch them?!"
"Because, Steve! The consequences of your actions will eventually catch up to you! And you`ve snatched someone who barely even knows you—let alone loves you! That`s no good!"
"Well, then, how do you suppose I change, human? Can a monster such as myself be redeemed?"
"Of course you can! But first, you`re gonna need like a LOT of therapy."
"Really? That`s all you need?"
"Yeaaah, suuuure. Well, if that doesn`t work out, you can always go back to destroying and robbing! B— but changing takes effort! And you`ll feel way better about yourself if you put in the effort to be a better... wyvern..."
"Very well. I`ll go do that. You can have whatever is here."
"Wait— everything? Even the money?"
"Dude, I don`t even understand the concept of money. I`m a wyvern, dude. I just take what you humans find valuable."
"Yeah... okay, that makes sense."
"Alright. Later, then."
And so the wyvern flew off, hopefully getting the help he needed. That guy had some serious issues.
But without further ado, I proceeded to the chamber where the damsel in distress was being held.
As I reached for the door handle, the only thing going through my mind was the memory of that marvelous smile—the one that had driven me to even attempt this rescue.
I opened the door and saw her sitting on the bed, gazing out the window...
FINAL CHAPTER
I approached Princess Steak and spoke up.
"Princess Steak? Is it really you?"
"Y—yeah? And who are you?
I was a bit surprised to see that she didn`t recognize me, but I kept going anyway.
"You don`t recognize me? You smiled at me right before the wyvern named Steve came and took you! You even blew me a kiss!
I had never seen a more confused face in my life, but after a few seconds, she remembered something.
"Ohhh, I remember you! Oh, but I, uhh... I was actually blowing a kiss to the guy next to you... I mean, I thought you looked handsome at first, but the I saw, like, a bunch of gross food stains all over your shirt, and so I was like... instantly grossed out. Then I looked over at your friend, and he looked so freaking cute... so..."
"Y—you were blowing a kiss... to Ozzy? No... this cannot be!"
I fell to my knees in shock and disappointment. This whole journey had turned out to be for naught, for I hadn`t realized it was not me receiving her elegant kiss, but Ozzy—who hadn`t even been paying attention to the damn thing until the wyvern showed up! Damn you, Ozzy... it was you who convinced me to have the extra meaty chimichanga... I`ll get you for this, you traitor...
I`m a fool... you`re free now, Princess. Go back home while I wallow in my foolishness..."
She approached me and took a few seconds to look me over before speaking again.
"You know, without all the gross food stains, you`re pretty cute. Wanna date?"
"No, Princess, it`s okay, I—wait, are you serious?!"
"Yeah, sure! I wouldn`t mind going out with you. Especially since you`ve gone through all the effort to save me."
"HELL, YEAH! WHO THE MAN? ME! I`M DA MAN!"
After we made our way back to Chelonia, I was thanked by the king and accepted into the royal family. I became known as Prince Machaca.
And as payback for nearly ruining my chances at a love life, my first act as a prince was to send Ozzy to the dungeon for a week—and make his only company that annoying goblin with the terrible singing.
Enjoy the performance, Ozzy.
THE END