The day I have been anticipating all my life, sometimes without knowing it. My whole life, I wanted to leave the household I was raised in. The one that everyone told me is fantastic and healthy. I couldn't agree with the people telling me that. Instead, I hated it. I chose a date and prepared everything. Everything I had to do was leave no trace of my existence. Months before I savoured every moment I might miss later in life. I noticed small gestures my friends did to make me feel better. I enjoyed their loud banter when someone cracked a joke. I melted in every hug my parents gave me. I played house with my sisters longer, and let them win any game we played. I thought I would miss it... or wouldn't I?
The day came. My mother tucked my sisters in bed, and my dad kissed me goodnight. Then they closed the bedroom door with a soft click and headed to sleep. Soon, the silence became loud and surreal. The minutes passed, and I felt much colder. Much more alone. My thoughts were loud- everyone is asleep. I'll do it now when no one is listening. I need to move fast. I grabbed a black backpack packed with clothes, stolen money, batteries, and even a pack of white birthday candles. Things I could burn. And there was a spare bag containing all the documents that bear my name. All the evidence I exist. Passport, library card, school ID. My books and kindergarten drawings. I dressed myself in all black, my hood on, big boots with laces double tied. I had to travel only under the cover of darkness, with no time to be emotional about the things I'm leaving behind. I exited the room, which I could no longer call mine. The soles of my feet crept along the carpet floor as I made my escape. I made sure not to look at the family photographs hanging in the stairwell as I descended. I didn't catch my sister's gaze, not even in their framed portraits watching me in the act. I knew I was smart. I didn't leave a note to my parents. A lot of kids do. But I'm not a kid, and that would only help them catch me faster. I had to vanish into thin air without a trace. As if I were swallowed by the night itself, and all that remains of me is memory. I grabbed a canteen and filled it up with cold water and food. I stuffed it in my bag. As I made my way through the house, I didn't let the warm memories surge to the forefront of my mind. I didn't think of my mother's face in the moments I made her proud. I did not remember dreamily all the fun we had on warm summer evenings. The smell of dew. The chirping of birds. The distinct sense that everything is and will be okay. I did not think of my father lifting me from the ground and spinning me in the air. As if I were nothing. I pulled it out of my mind. I had looked out the window, making sure no one saw me. I turned all the lights off and let my eyes adjust to the dark. Under the sink, I grabbed a bottle of lighter fluid and a box of matches from the junk drawer. I moved quickly and quietly slipped out the back door. There, I emptied the bag of things with my name on it. All the evidence of me. I had dumped it all in the rusty trash bin in the yard. Then, I had doused the pile in petroleum, struck a match and dropped it in. I stood there watching it burn, saying silent goodbyes to the past as it blackens and frays. The vivid picture of my mother stopping dead in her tracks tomorrow when she enters my bedroom appeared. When she finds my bed empty and calls out to my father, tears already humming at the base of her voice. The hot pit of dread in their bellies as they realise that I, their firstborn, am not where I should be. When they call the police, neighbours, friends or anyone to find out where I am. Who saw me? Where could I be? The flames had reached their end. The ink of my face printed melted down into nothing. My past turned to ash and drifted in the darkness. I had let the smoke get in my eyes, blind me in tears. I covered the ashes in snow and walked back in the kitchen, living room, knowing that would be the last time I stood there. I had loaded the dishwasher with dirty dishes and started the cycle. At least so they get to wake up with a clean sink. I slipped the bag on my back, and I opened the door slowly, not letting it creak. I turned and faced my home, my past, for one. Last. Time. Letting the image crystallise in my mind, I slowly closed my eyes, a single tear finding its path down my cheek. I knew I would turn to this final moment many times, maybe for the rest of my life. And before I could think again, before I would change my mind, I closed the door again with a soft click. I turned. Street lamps illuminated the quiet, empty road ahead of me, making it seem to go forever. Just one foot in front of the other, I walked out on the sidewalk. One, two, three. The soft sound of my feet. I couldn't stop moving, and I couldn't look back. Then, I was free. No one and nothing can tell me what to do. No more toxic words harming me silently. This is the change I not only wanted- but needed. As fast as I could, I walked through town, towards the train station. As quickly as possible, I could, so I paid to go on the next train. In my favour, the next train was in 15 minutes. And it was on its way to Florida. I thought it was perfect. I didn't think of my family and friends anymore. I only knew I had to be long gone by morning or they would catch me. Soon, I found myself in the back of a train to Florida. My eyelids shut quickly, and I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up satisfied with my sleep. It was a bright day and about 9 in the morning. There was nothing that could describe the feeling in my chest. Such a feeling I never felt before. All the anticipation and adrenaline mixed with pain and greif. How could I do such a thing to the people I know? My family, friends? But I was so happy I was finally free. Free as a bird and allowed to be independent. For the next few months, I was on the streets, eating decently and feeling quite cold. Quickly, I stodd back up on my feet when I turned 18. I found a decent-paying job and rented an apartment-the best decision of my life- to run away and start fresh. The world was free for me to enjoy... Or wasn't it?